I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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