The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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