My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
