I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
