im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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