i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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