My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
