he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
