so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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