Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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