well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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