There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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