i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
