the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
