i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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