eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
