It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
two words: eviction party
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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