oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
