Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.