i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
