I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
