i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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