Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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