Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Are we still banned from the library?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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