I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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