ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
