I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
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