ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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