if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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