hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
