I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
this is an emotional support booty call
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
