Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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