oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
