i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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