dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
