I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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