my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
