My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
