So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
