Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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