why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
