Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
