I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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