I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
