I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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