Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
