I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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