1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
