i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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