and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
