hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
