I want to stick my p in your. b.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
