They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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