I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
