just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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