I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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