2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So here I am, sexting at work.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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