When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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