if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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