this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
